i think i'm having an epiphany, and that epiphany is making me feel like life is the most mundane, boring shit. endless cycles. wheels go round. nothing really interests me anymore and it sucks. i don't know if it's the slow pace out here or if it's the 9-5 daily grind, but there's a major part of me getting eaten away. it really blows.
i'm really nervous about this whole purchase situation. jean, i tried faxing my paperwork from the bank the other day but i was a retard and forgot to press '9' before dialing the fax number. so, it kept saying the connection was busy and i eventually gave up. i will do it the right way on monday. i hope they get everything in time. i'm also really jittery about leaving colorado. i miss new york, i miss the loves of my life, but i'm just so afraid of making the wrong decision yet again. you all know how impulse and stupidity are totally my style... i'm trying to change it up a bit. i need to get myself out of this existential funk, out of this deep emo wormhole and get back to loving life before i lose my silly self completely.
i wonder all the time what it would be like if i had stayed back there this summer. i don't feel like i've taken steps backward, yet i definitely don't feel like i've taken any steps ahead. i just feel kind of frozen in time. i'm biding my time and losing my mind in the penalty box, pseudo-voluntarily, watching everyone else score. i wonder if this mindset is unconditional, if i'd still be in this slunk even if i were dancing on the counters at threesevs pt. 2. i highly doubt it. a rapidly growing part of me thinks i'm just crazy, but the remaining sane part thinks that it's just side effects of having a completely new lifestyle and going at it alone.
i am hoping that i will make the exact right decision soon, and my life will become a permagrin parade.
guyetti, happy birthday. i wish i could be there to drunkenly throw street meat at you, but only in the most loving way. i hope everything is perfect, i hope you get lots of hugs and high fives and i hope you will feel my undying love for you and the power of the jambon surrounding you in spirit. i miss you wifey.
i am going to try to call every single one of you tomorrow. i'm starting to feel that love, laughter and your sweet voices in my ears will be the mood medico bestico.
gabs on the morrow, dears.
miss miss miss love love love.